DIARY 13: OCTOBER
When life doesn’t pause for you — illness, grief, and the quiet persistence of work.
October shaped up to be another jam-packed month. I’ve been working pretty much nonstop, bouncing between client work and personal test shoots with about 2-3 shoots each week. It feels good to be working hard while simultaneously creating work I’m proud of. Coming off of being in Paris for the summer, I was definitely itching for this grind, as I do find the work so fulfilling. I ended up having 7 client jobs ranging from paid test shoots, half-day lifestyle shoots, and full-day campaigns, along with 3 personal tests. It was A LOT, I know.
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. I think it’s so important to make time for these personal tests — not just for creative fulfillment, but for the opportunities they create. Test shoots expand your portfolio and showcase range, but they’re also one of the best ways to network and build relationships. You meet new models, and hair and makeup artists that you can suggest for future shoots, and if the model loves the images, they’ll often share them, which leads to even more reach. I’ve been having more and more model agents send models my way for paid test shoots as a result.
Beauty Test
The first personal test shoot of the month was a beauty-focused concept that I’d been developing for quite a while. That’s usually how it goes — I’ll come up with an idea, start building a mood board, and let it sit until all the pieces eventually fall into place. I use Canva and have countless decks filled with ideas waiting for the right model or moment. In this case, an agent reached out with a model who was in town, and I immediately thought she’d be perfect for this concept. Then I noticed another model from the same agency was also in LA, so I asked if we could shoot both of them. I then reached out to makeup artist Bree Stanchfield, whom I’d recently worked with, and she immediately jumped on board and had a great suggestion for a third model. Everything just came together so seamlessly that it felt like a sign to move forward.
We shot at my home studio, which I love because it allows for flexibility and experimentation. I staggered the models’ call times so each could get their makeup done and have time in front of the camera without feeling rushed. We played around with a mix of close-ups and creative beauty compositions. For the first half of the shoot, I used a single flash setup with a board to bounce light and soften shadows on their right side. Later, when the flash started misfiring and losing charge, I switched to continuous light and bounced it off the ceiling to create a softer, more diffused look. One of the perks of shooting in a small space is how easily you can move lights and modify setups — it invites a kind of play that larger productions sometimes lack. For this shoot, I also rented a 100mm macro lens, and I absolutely loved it. Most of the final images were taken with that lens, which allowed me to capture incredibly detailed close-ups while maintaining beautiful compression.
I am sad to report that I am still working through retouching the final edits 3.5 weeks later. The one cost of having a busy month of work is that personal projects get pushed aside for client deliverables. But here are a few favorites that I have finished.
The Little Stings
Every now and then, despite feeling confident in my abilities and grateful for the path I’m on, there are these small moments that sting. Like sending a pitch to a brand at just the right time—only to see them release a campaign a few months later that looks almost identical to what I proposed. I don’t think they stole the idea; it feels more like a coincidence. Still, it’s a strange reminder that you can be in the right place at the right time and things can still not go your way. And honestly, I even loved the images that came out of their campaign, which made it sting harder.
Or the time I got the chance to shoot for one of my dream swimwear brands. It was a huge opportunity—one I hoped would open doors to more travel campaigns. However, one of the film rolls was lost by the lab, and to this day, I don’t know if that’s why they never asked me back, or if they simply weren’t happy with the work. I was proud of the images I delivered, but it’s hard not to wonder.
Watching peers—people I genuinely admire and respect—shoot those same dream campaigns in Mexico or Greece stirs up mixed emotions. I’m happy for them, truly. But there’s also a quiet heartbreak in seeing opportunities you once held slip away. I know there’s room for all of us, and I believe in that abundance mindset. But it doesn’t make the occasion sting any less real.
Behind the Curtain
This month also brought some personal heaviness. I lost a friend to cancer, which was strange and hard and heartbreaking, stirring up the kind of complicated emotions that come with grief. It made me long for simpler times — a time when that friend was still alive, a time when the world didn’t feel so heavy (we first met in 2021). Politics, the climate, the general state of things — it all feels so overwhelming. This combined with still processing the fact that I turned 30 this year has also made me nostalgic for the hopefulness and naivety of my mid-twenties, when I simply had more time.
Both this death and this milestone birthday has brought time to the forefront of my mind and some changes in my priorities. I am more protective of my time and where I give my energy, shedding some fluff and chasing only true fulfillment and connection. When journaling this summer, I thought about what I wanted quarter 4 to look like and I wrote about how I wanted to work really hard and save up money for my eventual move to Paris in 2026. If I’m being honest, I don’t know if my workaholism is a product of running from the grief, filling up the space of LA feeling understimulating or simply leaning into the opportunities that have come my way, but maybe it’s a combination of all three.
This month was also marked by one of the worst months I’ve had in a while for my immune system. I was sick for most of October — fighting off one cold after another — and feeling run-down in a way that felt both physical and emotional. My schedule was packed, and as much as I wanted to rest, I was starting to feel buried under the weight of deliverables and deadlines.
The topic of burnout always seems to come up when you’re working hard and pushing yourself. It’s something I think about a lot - how to have a long, sustainable career. I’ve been in a season of working so hard — partly because I love what I do, and when you love something, it’s easy to pour everything you have into it. But at some point, the body catches up with the mind. I started noticing that I wanted to procrastinate more, that I felt resistance to opening my laptop. I was craving rest — craving a day where I didn’t feel the pressure of unfinished work hanging over me or the guilt of not being productive.
One morning, after waking up feeling foggy, restless, and exhausted all at the same time, I decided to play hooky even though I still had a long list of to-dos. I call it a dopamine depletion day — when I’m so overstimulated and drained that I can’t focus, but also can’t rest. I find myself bouncing between social media apps, craving sugar, trying to watch something that doesn’t hold my attention. It’s my nervous system’s way of telling me to stop.
So I did. I gave myself permission to fully take the day off — no guilt. I started with some TV in bed, but even that didn’t feel restorative, so I decided to get out of the house. I went to the park, laid on the grass, listened to a podcast, and just let myself exist in the sunshine for over 2 hrs. It’s amazing how something as simple as being in nature can regulate you — the fresh air, the trees, the sun, the quiet.
Sometimes the most productive thing you can do is not work. If you’re having one of those days — the kind where your body and brain just feel done — get outside. Take a “park nap,” stare at the clouds, breathe. It’s not wasted time; it’s recovery.
Looking Ahead
Although I’m really proud of the work I’ve done this month, there’s always more to be done. I think it’s so important to make space not only for client work and personal projects, but also for rest and recalibration — especially as we near the end of the year.
The next few months are shaping up to be quite full. I’ve started saying no to new gigs for November to give myself some breathing room. I’ll be traveling quite a bit — a trip to Chicago for five days in November, then down to San Diego to spend Thanksgiving with my family. After that, I’ll head to London for two weeks in December, and then it will be Christmas & New Year'sEve.
So right now, I’m focusing on slowing down a little — catching up on deliverables, tying up loose ends, and giving myself permission to recharge. There are still a couple of editorials from earlier this year that I want to pitch, but haven’t had the time for, as well as deliverables from recent test shoots that I owe to the models. All while still trying to have a social life and protect some downtime, it’s been a lot.
More than anything, I’m hoping to find a bit more balance heading into the next month — to finish the year strong, but not burn out.
Some work I did this past month:
always love these recaps. gorgeous work as always.